i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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