Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
