God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize