even my farts smell like vagina
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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