Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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