Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize