My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
