Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
