Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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