My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
