Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize