also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
