I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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