Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
