I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
