Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
