you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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