mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
