So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
