I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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