You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
