i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
