we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize