life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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