so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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