its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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