We named our party play list daddy issues
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
