i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I smell like Dick and happiness
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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