and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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