did you get engaged???
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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