Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
