He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
