I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She bit a glass in half.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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