My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
