Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
