even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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