i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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