If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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