Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
