last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
