In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize