I think I won the penis lottery.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
