I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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