Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
