I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
