I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize