I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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