I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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