Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
