I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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