A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
