I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
