Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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