Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
