Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
