I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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