I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
